Tuesday, May 17, 2005


I find myself kind of stuck. I went to Interfuse (Midwest Burn leading up to Burning Man) over the weekend and had a great time. Here's the stuck part. On the one hand, I'm creative, kind of wild, open-minded, and spiritual. On the other hand, I don't drink or do drugs...and this event seems to have an emphasis on both of these things.

There were so many excellent moments during the weekend, way more excellent than uncomfortable...but the uncomfortable ones seem to stand out more for me. One of the main issues for me is that when everyone's drinking and having a good time, I get bored. Not only that, but I have a hard time connecting with people when they're drinking and I'm not. We're in different places and it feels like this lack of connection always falls back on me. Is it possible that I'm not connecting because of where they're at? I'd like to think that I'm the same person, but alcohol does affect other people's abilities to relate/understand others. I'm sitting there, totally sober, everyone else is lit (or on their way there) and I don't have any options. I don't think someone that can freely drink can understand this. I "hung" as well as I could, but by 3 or 4 am I was done. I didn't have any extra fuel to run on.

In some ways I think I'm a little jealous too. I want to do things that make me feel different than I feel all the time. I've been without drugs or alcohol for 4 1/2 years and there are few natural highs that can compare. Many people who abstain from these things choose not to be involved in these types of activities, but I enjoy aspects other than the chemicals.

One of my diversions with this group has been fire spinning, which produces a natural high for me. I'm hoping that being involved in this, which will keep me distracted from the other things will be enough so that I can find my niche. Most people who go to Burns have a niche simply because they're drunk or high.

I guess mainly right now I feel misunderstood, confused, and like I'm a burden. I'm trying to work on feeling good enough without partying. Deep inside I know it's true, but I partied for so long, and that's why I had connections with people. Now I need to get by with my personality, and I don't want my uncomfortable times to intrude on anyone else's good time. No matter how much I talk about this, I'm still feeling pretty alone.


Blogger Stephen (aka Q) said...

I thought the Burning Man festival was about casual sex, in addition to the drugs and booze. But I know your boyfriend just moved in with you, so I assume that wasn't your agenda.

As for having fun without partying, I think it's part of the transition from youth to full adulthood. When you first move beyond that stage in life, it seems like you're giving up a lot. But the people who continue to party relentlessly into their 40s and 50s are just pathetic.

You're now living with a guy; maybe one day there will be children in addition to kittens; and perhaps your career will branch out in an exciting and fulfilling direction. Suddenly drinking will look like a counterfeit thrill by comparison to the things that bring deep and substantial pleasure to you.

I used to smoke pot occasionally, and the only thing I really miss about it is how it enhanced the experience of listening to music. But those experiences give way to other meaningful things.

1:13 PM  

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