Saturday, July 28, 2007

Relationships Are About Compromises

This weekend, the Fiance and I both had our sights on movies we wanted to see. We agreed that Friday we would go to his, and Saturday to mine. That way, if the movie was horrible, at least the other person got to see the movie they had their heart set on.

The Fiance wanted to see Sunshine. This Sci-Fi flick is about our dying sun, and seven astronauts on a mission to "restart" it with a bomb, thus saving Earth. Cillian Murphy was the lead, and was pretty believable as a pale physicist. I enjoyed that they didn't do any character development. I usually I require it, but because the plot was about saving all of humanity, I didn't really need to know the backgrounds of each freakishly young scientist. The themes were appropriately set-up, the actors were fantastic, and the special effects were amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed this film, even after it took kind of an odd and creepy turn at the end. Things came around full circle and I left feeling The Fiance had spent his money well.

Tonight we saw mine - I Know Who Killed Me. WOW, that was a HORRIBLE movie. The Fiance could not have said it better than when he said, "Until tonight I thought Battlefield Earth was the worst movie of all I know that it's not".

We had a strange encounter on the way in. The guy taking our ticket smirked and said inappropriately loud, "Oh, you're seeing I Know Who Killed Me?". When the movie was over, it was clear he had said this for his co-workers benefits. The theater employees screen the movies ahead of time, and he KNEW we were going into a train wreck. I guess he needed to share the pain of being forced to see it by mocking those of us who paid for the privilege.

The movie began abysmally. The acting was terrible and Julia Ormond had a mustache. Do I really need to say more? Yes, I do. This film was an opportunity for graphic torture and gratuitous stripper scenes with Lindsay Lohan, who was barely out of her teens (she was actually 19 when filming began). Her parents had to be super proud when they saw her gyrating on a pole and humping the floor in garters. This is really hard to write about because it would be easier in list form...there's just so much!
  • The torture scenes were made more disturbing than they already were by Ms. Lohan making her "oh my gosh, I'm in a lot of pain" sounds more like sex noises.
  • The torture tools were made out of blue glass, which broke when dropped on the floor, yet Lohan used it to hack off the killers hand in about 15 seconds.
  • Everything associated with the killer was blue...but then again so were the high school colors, and her boyfriend kept giving her these ugly blue roses. The Fiance said his mind kept thinking the killer was auditioning for the Blue Man Group. He was wearing a blue mask, but it wasn't obvious there was a mask until the he just looked blue.
  • I don't have the stomach to go into this in detail, but there was some cheese ball story about twin stigmata...which, like most aspects of the storyline, was not adequately explored and explained (thank goodness, it would have made the movie longer).
  • Lohan's characters answer to her finger mysteriously falling off was to proclaim that "only rich people go to hospitals", duct taping it to a sink and then sewing it back on with thread.
  • The FBI agents were SOOOOO hokey - screaming at her during their investigation, "TELL US WHO CUT YOU!" (This after she had been tortured for three weeks and had her arm and leg cut off).
  • The FBI was unable to link very clear similarities between the teen aged murder victims, yet this 18 year-old hooker/stripper solved the case in about a week...and, incidentally, she also learned to walk on a prosthetic leg in one day (come on...please just put a different shirt on her so we don't realize how improbable it is for this to happen...but then again...she's also a crime-solving genius, perhaps she's skilled in learning to use prosthesis as well).
  • The Main character's alter ego, Dakota, tracked the original character by following the noises of an owl, who happened to sit in the same spot for 4 or 5 hours while the killer was digging, and then while the chick with a prosthetic leg tromped through the woods.
  • The title is I Know Who Killed Me...yet oddly enough, nobody actually got killed.
I can't do this any longer. It's late, and I don't want to waste any more time on this film than it deserves...oh, that would mean that when the ticket taker smirked we would have gotten our money back and scurried across the street to Oberweis for ice cream (which we did after the movie).

Some alternate titles to I Know Who Killed Me:
  • I Know Who Took My $17.50 (Lionsgate Entertainment)
  • I Know Who's Not Getting An Oscar (Lindsay Lohan)
  • I Know Who Watched The Last Screening Right Before She Relapsed (Lindsay Lohan)
  • I Know Who's Parents Exploit Her (Lindsay Lohan's)
  • I Know Who Feels Betrayed By The Film Industry (me, The Fiance, and the other 10 people who were in the theater with us)
  • I Know Who Doesn't Believe Blue Glass Can Cut Off A Hand (me)
  • I Know Who Really Wishes She'd Waxed Her Lip (Julia Ormond)
Sadly, the most exciting part of the film is when we saw the credits, and I gleefully proclaimed, "oooh, they had puppeteers!"


Anonymous T-dog said...

The alternate titles crack me up!

8:55 AM  

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