Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Five Things That Make Me a Maniac

Since I'm feeling a little maniacal today, let's do a little list, shall we?

1. I'm not as confident as I'd like you to believe.
I really wish I felt the way about myself that I lead everyone to believe I do. Walking with my shoulders back, making direct eye contact, participating in complicated conversations (and bowing out when it's over my head) do not a confident person make. I have a clear vision of who I'd like to be, and where I'm heading, but my defects and limitations of character are really clear to me right now.

2. My pride is easily bruised.
I want to be the pretty pretty princess...no, really, I'm not that special, I understand why I'm not the pretty pretty princess...WAIT, I DO want to be the pretty pretty princess. Please love me accordingly.

3. No matter what my mother has always suggested I do, I cannot talk myself out of things.
Yeah, walking it off is something I'm not capable of. I'm afraid in any instance, I do a certain amount of obsessing, which is painful, before I can move on. I can know the facts of a situation and accept them...but my insecurities pop up and question what I know to be true.

4. I'm struggling with depression and am spending a lot of energy trying to deny it.
There could be numerous reasons why depression is rearing it's ugly head. I keep telling myself that it's not (mostly because I can get involved in something and get distracted from how I feel), and then when I have time to think I start feeling like crap again. I'm trying to accept that I'm allowed to be happy and that the happiness I feel isn't going to slip through my fingers (although it could if I truly am a maniac as I suspect).

5. I think I should go back to a head shrinker on a regular basis.
I need to work through some old baggage and I don't like that I can't do it on my own. I won't be able to be that person I mentioned earlier until I deal with it.

And as a footer to all this doom and gloom...when my hormones stabilize in a couple days I'm hoping all the above will as well. I'll hold off on calling the head shrinker.

2 Comments:

Blogger Stephen (aka Q) said...

I've always wondered why your blog is called, "Inside the mind of a maniac." Now I know; sometimes you actually feel like one.

There's a thin line between being a healthy person and being a person with a clinical condition. I can relate to the first three items on your list. Not so much at this stage in my life, but from my teenaged years right through my mid-thirties. Doubting yourself, presenting inconsistent demands, obsessing about painful issues — these are universal experiences, as long as they stay within "normal" bounds.

There's a lot of mental illness in my family. The result is that even the "normal" family members experience a lot of fear about it, for themselves and their children. I certainly did in my younger years. Eventually I realized it isn't very likely going to "get" me as it has gotten others in the family, which came as a welcome relief.

This is my roundabout way of saying, don't give undue credence to your fears. Chances are they will prove groundless. One day you'll be looking back at the emotional upheaval of these years and you'll be thankful it all turned out OK.

Talk to a "shrink" if you need reassurance — there's no harm in that.

But also, cut yourself some slack. You say have a clear vision of who you'd like to be. That's great, but be patient with yourself as you progress toward those goals. The usual pattern is two steps forward, one step back. Don't beat up on yourself if you don't march from victory to victory like Alexander the Great. Few people do. (Certainly I haven't!)

Life is about the journey, not about the destination. I really believe that.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. I genuinely sympathize with your struggles. I'll keep a good thought for you. And I hope you're right, in a few days the gloom will lift of its own accord.
Q

2:33 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Q,

I think we all probably feel like maniacs sometimes. I always get a lot out of your comments to my blog, and this time was no exception.

Things have gotten better. I hadn't been feeling comfortable in my own skin, I needed to talk about some things that I felt closed off about...and it helped tremendously. My need to isolate myself...either physically or emotionally is so strong, and I really fight not to do it.

Once I understand why I feel a certain way I always feel better. The truth is, I'm pretty complex, energetic, creative, and can be a little hyper sometimes...all those characteristics seem to make me a little "crazy" at times also.

Thankfully, this one seems to have blown over.

Carolyn

4:37 PM  

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