Wednesday, February 07, 2007


My best friends dad passed away last week. It's really hard to wrap my mind around because I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose my father.

Anyway, M (my friend, pictured at right with her dad at her wedding in Jamaica last year) has been shuttling back and forth from Colorado to take care of Bob. She made sacrifices in her relationships, school, and her job to be a guest in someone elses home and be there if he needed her.

I realize this wasn't an easy thing to do, but I feel like it accomplished one of the most important things when talking about losing a loved one. When I spoke with her she said she had no regrets. That's probably the greatest outcome from this sad situation. She got to be there for him, say everything she needed, and he knew she was there.

Anyway, I felt fortunate to have met and hung out with Bob. He was intimidating at first (the whole rough biker thing), but as soon as he started talking he had this really gentle nature about him. He was comfortable to be around, extremely funny, and would do anything for anybody.

M says she's doing fine (this has been coming for 5 months), but she'll feel it later. Luckily she has a lot of people here who can be there for her when that happens.


Anonymous Stephen said...

This is totally the wrong reaction to that photo, but man — M is _gorgeous_.

[OK, adjusting attitude&hellip]

I'm sure M is right about feeling it later. It's good to know she has a community of supportive people to turn to when the time comes.

But it does make a difference when you have five months' advance notice. If we had any control over such events, it would be devilishly difficult to decide the timing.

A quick death is a mercy to the individual, but extremely difficult for loved ones to cope with. A long spiral downwards is an ordeal for the individual, but gives loved ones an opportunity to experience grief in small increments. Death, when it finally comes, is just one increment after many others, so it's a smaller adjustment. There's even an element of relief to it (which we shouldn't feel guilty about, btw).

Five months is about perfect, I'd say, although I don't know what degree of suffering Bob had to endure. It's a fair compromise between "too sudden" and "too protracted". If I were in Bob's situation, I guess I'd be glad for the opportunity to say my goodbyes.

3:38 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Her looks are too obvious not to comment on...and I can assure you that the photo doesn't do her justice.

4:05 PM  
Blogger elanflux said...

Hey, Thanks for the post, it was sweet. A pleasant surprise. It’s really hard to wrap my head around to. I’ve been home for a few days now and thankfully I took the week off of work…this really sucks, for lack of a better word!

Thanks for the compliment… As for the five months being the ‘perfect’ amount of time…well that is a point to be argued. I’m VERY grateful for the time with my dad and if the doctors could give you an exact time of departure that would be great. No questions, no waiting, on Feb2nd at 6am your life will end. Have a party, get your things in order. Unfortunately they can’t so the five month wait was painful for all involved and his death still a shock. No matter how long you have to get ready..your just not. I mean no disrespect, I hope I’m not giving that vibe, I’m just bitter right now, stages of grief “they’ say. Yes we all had time to say goodbye, which is a blessing, but five months is a short time in the span of a lifetime and a long time for a heart to slowly break. There is no perfect amount of time for a loved one to die. It all sucks. My greatest pain comes from his fear, what he went through emotionally…to know your going to die soon. You are right though, there was a process, stages of sorrow, that I’m sure has made this easier to get through. The fact that I was able to say and do things a sudden death wouldn’t have allowed for, is irreplaceable and fills my heart with joy. I wouldn’t have it another way, if I had the choice...but ‘perfect’ is just the wrong word choice. At least for me, right now. Please don’t take offence; I am sure I am overly touchy right now. I know he was happy to say good-bye, my wound is still so fresh. You can read my blog if you want to know how five months of waiting feels like.

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I did not know. My thoughts are with you.


10:48 AM  

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